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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28113009">two squash walk into a kitchen</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zofiecfield/pseuds/Zofiecfield'>Zofiecfield</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kitchen Stories - Bly Manor - Short One Shots [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Fluffy kitchen nonsense, Short One Shot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:55:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28113009</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zofiecfield/pseuds/Zofiecfield</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"A butternut squash, an acorn squash, and cute lesbian walk into a tiny apartment kitchen in upstate Vermont, and the butternut squash says to the lesbian-"</p><p>Jamie and Dani battle a pair of squash, and the squash win.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dani Clayton/Jamie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kitchen Stories - Bly Manor - Short One Shots [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057895</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>two squash walk into a kitchen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, everyone, thanks for coming to the show tonight.  A butternut squash, an acorn squash, and cute lesbian walk into a tiny apartment kitchen in upstate Vermont, and the butternut squash says to the lesbian-”  </p><p>“Hush now,” Jamie said, fondly, elbowing Dani, who grinned and surrendered her imaginary microphone.</p><p>Jamie, chef’s knife in one hand and paring knife in the other, crouched in front of the counter.  She shifted side to side, eyeing up the two squash from multiple angles.</p><p>The hunter and her prey.</p><p>“We’re meant to cut them in half and roast them,” Jamie murmured.  “Only, you know… how?”</p><p>“Call Owen,” Dani suggested, from her perch on the counter.  “Jamie, do you remember what happened with that pumpkin on Halloween?”</p><p>“Dani,” Jamie chided, her eyes still pinned to the squash, “such little faith.” </p><p>Dani watched her with a mixture of amusement and well-earned concern.</p><p>“It just has so many ridges,” Jamie said, tenderly running the tip of the smaller knife down one of the acorn squash’s many valleys. </p><p>She spun around with flair and pointed a knife at the butternut squash.  “And this one!  So smooth, so cunning.  I attack and he just slips away.” </p><p>At this point, she lunged for the squash, poking it with the knife, sending it rolling off the cutting board.</p><p>In quick succession, Dani snorted tea out of her nose and inhaled.  The adventure had to pause for a moment while she attempted to cough liquid out of her lungs amidst a fit laughter. </p><p>Jamie set the knives down and rubbed her back, grinning and kissing Dani’s forehead while Dani sputtered and struggled to regain control.</p><p>After a moment, the coughing had settled for the most part and Dani wiped tears from her eyes, still chuckling with a wet gurgle.</p><p>“All good?” Jamie asked, receiving a nod and a quick kiss in answer.</p><p>“Excellent!”  Jamie leapt back to the cutting boards, picking up her knives again.</p><p>Dani slipped off the counter and joined her, squatting to get a full picture of the situation.  “What if we slice off a little bit, so it sits flat and can’t roll away?”</p><p>Jamie hummed in approval.   “Okay, yeah, let’s see.” </p><p>She handed the spare knife to Dani, then wrangled the butternut squash back onto the cutting board.  With the utmost care, she restrained it with one palm and tried to slice a bit off one side.</p><p>The butternut squash slipped from her grasp and tumbled to the floor.  Jamie pulled her hands away just in time to avoid losing the tip of her thumb. </p><p>Dani inspected her for damage, as she did most nights during dinner prep.</p><p>“Close call,” Jamie said, her grin slipping back onto her face with no delay.  “He almost got me, the little fucker.”</p><p>“Maybe we shouldn’t go to the farmer’s market anymore,” Dani said, as Jamie retrieved the squash and rinsed it off in the sink.  “It never turns out well.  Do you remember the eggplant disaster?”</p><p>Jamie turned to her quickly.  “We promised never to speak of that again.”</p><p>Dani raised both hands in defense.   Jamie ducked in quickly to kiss the grin off her lips. </p><p>Dani leaned into the kiss, remembering the knife in her hand a scant moment before tucking her fingers into Jamie’s hair and accidentally removing an ear.  She cussed softly, pulling back.</p><p>A question flickered across Jamie’s face, until she saw the knife.  This sent them into another fit of giggles. </p><p>“We should not be allowed to have a kitchen,” Jamie wheezed, taking the knife from her and setting both on the counter. </p><p>She wrapped Dani in her arms, burying her face in Dani’s shoulder as they both shook with laughter.</p><p>When the desperate need for air forced them to settle down and they had recovered sufficiently, they surveyed the squash again. </p><p>"It might be time to admit defeat," Jamie said, shaking her head.</p><p>Dani’s stomach rumbled loudly.  “Can we call Owen now?”</p><p>Jamie sighed, tossing an arm around Dani’s shoulder.  “Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>“Owen says to poke it with holes and microwave it for a couple of minutes.  Longer if we’re trying to peel it.” Dani reported, scooting back up onto the counter.</p><p>“Alright,” Jamie said, picking back up the knife.</p><p>“With a fork,” Owen shouted, loud enough for Jamie to hear.</p><p>Dani grinned and Jamie winked at her, switching to a fork.  “A plebian weapon,” she shrugged, “but fine.”</p><p>With some difficulty, Jamie stabbed the butternut squash all over then placed it in the microwave, as instructed.  They chatted with Owen until the timer dinged.</p><p>Jamie removed the warm squash and placed it on the cutting board, skeptical.</p><p>“He says you should be able to cut it easier now.  Start with the tip of the knife,” Dani relayed. </p><p>One eyebrow raised, Jamie approached the squash with the chef’s knife.  The squash slid a little, a small attempt at escape, but soon enough it was sitting happily in halves on the board.</p><p>Dani cheered, and Jamie took a bow.</p><p>She put the acorn squash in the microwave next, and they returned to their chat. </p><p>The restaurant was doing well.  Owen was trying a new appetizer, which had been written up in the local paper with rave reviews.  The flower shop was in the middle of wedding season, and keeping them a bit too busy.</p><p>“But you should see the lilacs this year, Owen.  Gorgeous little-”</p><p>Jamie stopped mid-breath and turned to the microwave, her eyes wide. </p><p>Dani covered the phone, instinctively, muting it against her shirt.</p><p>“What do you think happens if I forgot to poke holes in that one?” Jamie whispered.</p><p>Dani shrugged, her forehead beginning to furrow.</p><p>“TURN OFF THE MICROWAVE!”  Owen’s voice burst from the phone.  “THE SQUASH WILL EXPLODE!”</p><p>Jamie lunged for the microwave with a hearty, “Fuck!”</p><p>Dani held her breath. </p><p>Jamie yanked open the microwave door and let out an audible sigh of relief.  She sagged against the counter.  “All good, all good.”</p><p>Dani lifted the phone back to her ear.  In her best show of nonchalance, she asked, “So, once we’ve done that and split them in half, we just roast them for a bit?”</p><p>Owen groaned on the other side of the line.  “You two will be the death of me, from half a world away.”</p><p> </p><p>Owen talked them through the rest of the process and made Dani take written notes as he did.  He heavily modifying the recipe they’d chosen, informing them in no uncertain terms the modifications were for their safety.  <em>“Squash enchiladas?  My loves, I have full faith in you, but…”</em></p><p>They thanked him profusely and sent him off to bed, with promises of reporting back on how it had all turned out.</p><p> </p><p>He never got a report on that particular dish, though.  In the end, they were too tired and too hungry to finish the recipe. </p><p>They ate chunks of cheese while they waited for the squash, then ate the roasted squash as was, straight from the oven, scooped right out of the skin with salt and pepper. </p><p>It was, in truth, still nicer than most of the things they managed to cook, and it was far, far better than that eggplant fiasco.</p><p>
  <em>But, we promised never to speak of that again, didn’t we?</em>
</p>
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